Inertia

Is the worst. It's the enemy. And it's taken the last year from my life. But you know what? To say that it has "taken" the last year, is so passive and lacking in any accountability. I've succumbed to it.

Inertia is the reason that I sit on my ass, on the right side of the couch (J's is the left), dicking around on the internet for the majority of my day. Excusions include the gym, work, food (cooking or eating out), and going to movies. Couch time consists of eating food, watching movies, and staring at millions of food blogs. Yes, I am obsessed with food blogs, but that is another post for another day.

Today I make my confessions about inertia (maybe using a Hitchcockian word just feels better than saying "lazyness"). Inertia is the reason that I still haven't been to a therapist about my ED. Yup, managed to get myself eating normally, gained weight, maintain weight with no help. Except J's. And that is unforgivabley unfair. The night I decided to start this site, he broke down about how much my body image/self-loathing and everything that goes with it is hurting him. He suffered from major depression before, and when he told me that this is making him go back to "the dark place," I just wanted to die. It's bad enough to know that I alone am responsible for my own daily misery, but to add the fact that I am making the most important person in my life miserable too? And out of LAZYNESS? All he needs is for me to go to therapy, something my parents will even pay for. Why is it so hard for me to make the phone calls, set up some appointments? What am I scared of? I don't even know. But I feel immobilized.