Happy

Or getting closer.

It is so strange how, after a few days of feeling incredible low, I feel so great today. I've put on a couple of pounds, but I think much of it must be muscle, because this morning I looked in the mirror and actually thought, "I look perfect." Not in a fitness, or even runway model way, but in a V way. Like this is my best possible body. Today I'm proud of the small but sexy curves, the gentle rounding of my tummy. And my perky little ass.

This is not meant to sound narcissistic. But I so rarely feel this way, so I will celebrate my body while I do.

A blogger that I like posted a long, beautiful entry about her pregnancy which is coming to an end. She included this lovely poem from Mary Oliver. It felt so relevant for me, so I'm passing it along as well.


"Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them --

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided --
and that one wears an orange blight --
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away --
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled --
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --
that the light is everything -- that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do."

God, today I just want to be outside, in nature, hiking and experiencing new things. It makes my throat ache.

Stronger

Cue Britney Spears song.

Or not.

So I've had a shitty couple of days, and wasn't feeling great this morning either, but I just got back from the gym and I'm feeling so much better (though sweaty and hungry). I really just wanted to lay in bed, but J practically forced me out the door. I have a much easier time going and feeling motivated when he's there. He's a great running buddy. But today it was just me, and halfway through my ab work I realized that I felt like I had surfaced. LIke I'd been submerged in something for the last couple of days. But I always feel more myself when I have a good workout, because it makes me feel strong and proud of my body for what it can do. I can't work out like I like to when I'm not eating enough, so not only is it incentive to eat well, but I also feel justified in doing so when I've worked hard.

*I should note that I am not and never was an over-exerciser. I am way too lazy for that shit. I do very minimal cardio (I slow-jog for about a mile) and prefer strength training.

I also had a little boost when I was lifting weights and noticed the girl next to me. Now, since this is my university gym, there are always plenty of super skinny girls who I glare at with envy. But this girl was a good ten pounds heavier than me (still thin), but also had more muscle. And I realized that this girl was far more attractive than the skinnier girls at the gym. And if I thought this, guys must think this as well. It's always helpful for me to have those real life encounters that support the idea that "real" girls are more attractive than skinny ones. Makes me want to go eat a burger. Which is exactly what I'm going to do after my shower.

Bad days

I've had a hard time the last couple of days. I haven't been working out because of work, mostly, and in my head I look SO much bigger. My belly, as always, is the focus of my anxiety. It looks so much rounder, and even now I am worrying over whether or not to have any popcorn tonight. I haven't had any carbs today, but I've eaten TONS of fats.
Honestly, this is one of those days when I wrestle with my desire to plan tomorrow's meals as follows: Breakfast-banana, Lunch-boca patty, dinner-salad. Which is exactly why I WILL go make some popcorn. Because I can't give in to that temptation.
I hate the fact that J and my plans to go out tomorrow contribute to the food and weight anxiety, rather than making me happy. Instead of looking forward to it, I am freaking out about how much I eat tonight, because it will affect how big I look tomorrow, and what I can wear. I don't want to have to dress frumpy because I feel fat. I am also worrying about how I will fit in a workout in the morning, so that I will feel semi-okay about eating a restaurant dinner.
I'm playing phone tag with the therapist I want to see. Ugh.

Ok, so my post last night may have sounded more than a little immature. But based on how upset I still am, let me elaborate.

I got angry because what that moderator did was so hurtful. It was being loudly called out and branded a freak. Like we are infectious, unwanted, and "other." And today my anger has given way to an aching depression that just makes me want to lay in bed all day. Like I don't deserve to be out among the "normal" people. Like no matter how hard I try, everyone will know what a dirty freak I am, and I will be abhorred. But no matter how much I change my behaviors, I don't know how to change what I am, and somehow everyone will always know that I am different, "off."

Her action has such a greater impact than she could ever know. It tore away some essential part of my strength.

Pissed

I had all sorts of relevant things to say today. It was an important day for me - a beach day. Eating in a bikini with a big group of people - major accomplishment.

But now I don't even want to talk aout that. Because now I'm fucking pissed.

I am (was) part of an online community for vegans. And before all that shit storm starts, my veganism is NOT part of my ED. I became vegan after I had been eating normally for quite a while. It is an ethical choice. But back to the point: There are boards on this site for all aspects of life. Recently, someone started a thread in the health section about her ED. She was backsliding and looking for support. Most all the responses were simple "Get help" thoughts. I, and another person, added that we have been there, and understand her anxiety. I also told her to please get help. Then the moderator, the site's founder, wrote a scathing response about how much she hates threads about EDs, because it "invites" everyone to share their ED story, which only "encourages" them. Then she said that she was locking the site, banning the subject of EDs, and told us all to get professional help.

Granted, I understand that talking about it can be triggering. But at the same time, no one who has not experienced an ED can understand how isolating the disease is. Especially in recovery, it is so encouraging just to hear that you are not the only one feeling a certain way, and it particularly helps to know that others have felt it and overcome it. To make that, or really any topic like it, "banned" just seems like a bad idea. And for someone to make such a harsh judgement is just bitchy. We are not junkies or criminals. We are SICK.

So yes, to that person, I say this: Fuck you. Fuck your site. Fuck your books. I'm not contributing to your career anymore.

Exhausted

Just called three therapists. Baby steps.

Inertia

Is the worst. It's the enemy. And it's taken the last year from my life. But you know what? To say that it has "taken" the last year, is so passive and lacking in any accountability. I've succumbed to it.

Inertia is the reason that I sit on my ass, on the right side of the couch (J's is the left), dicking around on the internet for the majority of my day. Excusions include the gym, work, food (cooking or eating out), and going to movies. Couch time consists of eating food, watching movies, and staring at millions of food blogs. Yes, I am obsessed with food blogs, but that is another post for another day.

Today I make my confessions about inertia (maybe using a Hitchcockian word just feels better than saying "lazyness"). Inertia is the reason that I still haven't been to a therapist about my ED. Yup, managed to get myself eating normally, gained weight, maintain weight with no help. Except J's. And that is unforgivabley unfair. The night I decided to start this site, he broke down about how much my body image/self-loathing and everything that goes with it is hurting him. He suffered from major depression before, and when he told me that this is making him go back to "the dark place," I just wanted to die. It's bad enough to know that I alone am responsible for my own daily misery, but to add the fact that I am making the most important person in my life miserable too? And out of LAZYNESS? All he needs is for me to go to therapy, something my parents will even pay for. Why is it so hard for me to make the phone calls, set up some appointments? What am I scared of? I don't even know. But I feel immobilized.